theshitpostcalligrapher:

vampireapologist-archive-deacti:

earlier I was making pop corn and I put too much in the pot and then all the popcorn overflowed and one kernel landed on the stove burner and caught fire which was promptly smothered with a dash of salt so all in all a mundane experience

But as I experience things I just talk about them out loud to myself in a total stream of consciousness without really acknowledging my own thoughts

So Brie came downstairs like “are you….okay?” And I was like yes why? And she said she just heard the gradual sound of popping getting louder followed by me yelling “OH NO….I POPPED TOO MUCH CORN”

And then extremely calmly “ah. We have a small fire” bc that was apparently not the real issue

honestly the phrase sums up my week so i have committed this one to paper 

(via plutomeetsgenius)

orevet:

swordshapedleaves:

fromwolfsandgods:

vethyourhalflingmother:

my biology professor has such a chaotic energy about him, last week i went to his office hours and somehow we ended up on the topic of gay marriage:

he said that when he lived in texas they changed the law to define marriage as “between a man and a woman in a house of religious worship with the intention to have children” so he filed his taxes as single and when they called him up like “you filed married last year” he was like “you changed the law, i was married by a judge in a courthouse and i have no intention of having kids” and they told him “you know who that law was for” and i guess he hung up on them and did not, in fact, pay taxes as a married man that year

Chaotic good

NO! This is Lawful Good! He is following the LAW! Chaotic doesn’t just mean cheeky!

this is like how Sweden stopped classifying homosexuality as an illness because people started a campaign of calling in gay to work

malicious compliance is one of the best tools in the arsenal of civil rights activism

(via captain-snark)

c3rvida3:

c3rvida3:

c3rvida3:

c3rvida3:

radfem-alex:

c3rvida3:

c3rvida3:

c3rvida3:

???????

These are from my boss. It’s fine.

We’ve been friends for years now. This is just how we talk to each other. This is how we operate our business. It’s fine.

This is the same person that sent me the “I ate a lot of ham today” texts.

I’ve known them since we were kids. This is normal.

(via potstickersandpizza)

acapelladitty:

met a women today and she was like “i’m mrs smith, soon to be mrs johnstone” and I was like “aww, that’s lovely! are ye gettin’ married?” and without blinking she hit back with “nah i’m divorcing the cunt” a legend tbh

(via localbeeking)

wizardshark:

roseerin:

dogaholic-catholic:

wizardshark:

wizardshark:

“lol Android users be like-” your phone is designed to break down after a year, your apps are all programmed to draw unnecessary power after 2 years, all your accessories and hardware are arbitrarily made with only 1 kind of plug in mind so you can’t use them with anything else or get them from anywhere else, the cables are 150$ and break in a year, your phones will not charge if there is lint in the port, the stores will ask you for 150$ to remove that lint, the phone itself is 900$

But your chat bubbles are blue so that balances it out right

they literally removed the audio plugin and called it a benefit that it can now only work with their arbitrary wireless headphones. They coloured the phones a pinky gold and sold it for twice as much.

This isn’t a drag against you this is a drag against apple, the company. Their products are price hiked to an insane, impossible degree. They aren’t selling you the product, they are selling you the superiority of being able to smugly say you have an iphone. 

They deliberately built up a culture of apple supremacy (especially as a class barrier but i aint even gonna go into that), and now people are making posts like “lmao android users have a bad camera” (they dont) or “lmao android users send bad snapchats” (the android version of snap is deliberately coded to force lower resolution images in order to, surprise, get people saying that exact thing to further encourage #iphoneculture)

Buy an iphone if you want lord knows I’ve bought frivolouss things but can you PLEASE recognize youre being deceived??? theyre playing you every single time you make a post about your iphone and buy into their culture to squeeze more and more money out of you and divide the market and inevitably the classes. 

If I ever don’t reblog this assume I’m dead

The iphone stands as a testament to the power of brand loyalty.
theres no qualitative reason to buy iphones. 

with the release of the new iphone I would like to bring this post back.

It has a slow motion camera…. ok so when are you going to use that? Is that worth the price? Or are you going to get it just because its the new iphone (and your old iphone is suddenly mysteriously slowing down and having software issues)?

(via starry-wiitch)

weatheredlaw:

:

weatheredlaw:

weatheredlaw:

weatheredlaw:

weatheredlaw:

Hey guys. This is my new best friend. I’m making a cake.

I made my batter from scratch, and I made a strawberry yogurt frosting.

Cannot wait to see what this weird little guy looks like.

The lamb is done. The lamb is cooling.

the lamb did not come out of the pan very well. features have been lost. frosting may be needed to rescue the lamb.

Behold. My son.

hey op do you take criticism

i do not, and please don’t speak to me or my son ever again

(via angelsflyys)

charlesoberonn:

People in their 20s through 40s: I still have nightmares about school sometimes.

School System: This is normal. I see no problem here.

(via starry-wiitch)